It’s that time of the year again, and if you want to avoid village people, brace yourself for the festive chaos!

Aromatic Jollof rice sizzles in massive pots, wedding invitations burst from envelopes like confetti, and that one persistent uncle is sharpening his interrogation skills about your perpetually single status.

To effectively avoid village people, you’ll need to develop a strategic defence mechanism against the impending family drama.

These legendary village characters are masters of unexpected interventions – distant relatives who transform your hard-earned success into their personal investment portfolio, sharp-eyed aunties whose supernatural “vision board” seems exclusively focused on dissecting your life choices, and opportunistic cousins who can smell financial opportunity from miles away.

The moment you arrive with a hint of confidence, sporting those freshly acquired achievements, they emerge like strategic networkers at a professional conference, ready to extract maximum benefit.

Their tactics are meticulously crafted: a seemingly innocent conversation quickly morphs into a funding request, a sympathetic glance becomes an elaborate guilt trip, and your momentary relaxation transforms into an unexpected family counselling session.

Your peace and bank account are their primary targets, and their networking skills would make professional fundraisers look like amateurs. Stay alert, stay strategic, and most importantly, stay one step ahead of their masterful manipulation techniques.

1. Pretend You’re on a Business Call at All Times

Village people hunt for vulnerable, unoccupied targets like predators seeking easy prey. The moment you settle into a quiet corner, a distant relative will materialise with a rehearsed narrative: “You know, I supported your father back in 1987” – a story craftily designed to culminate in an urgent financial request.

Your tactical defense? Perpetual motion and digital camouflage. Prowl the family compound with your smartphone surgically attached to your ear, strategically muttering professional-sounding phrases.

Randomly interject business jargon like, “Yes, Mr. Chairman, I’ll dispatch the invoice immediately.” Your animated performance will signal that you’re a busy professional managing high-stakes operations, effectively deterring any potential financial predators.

2. Bring a Fake Significant Other

Deploy a strategic romantic decoy to neutralise intrusive family interrogations. When that razor-sharp auntie begins her ritualistic “When will we eat your rice?” inquisition, simply gesture toward your pre-arranged accomplice and declare, “This is Chika; we’re in the getting-to-know-you phase.”

Caution: This strategy operates on a razor’s edge of complexity. Select your fake partner with surgical precision.

An overzealous performer who starts calling your grandmother “Mama” risks total infiltration, potentially transforming from ally to another agent in the village people’s expansive intelligence network.

3. Travel Light. Like, Really Light

Those oversized designer suitcases and meticulously curated outfits? They are beacon signals broadcasting “I have arrived” to your village’s opportunistic network. The more prosperity you visually telegraph, the more urgent “family emergencies” will mysteriously materialise.

Instead, embrace strategic understatement. Choose worn slippers that whisper tales of humble journeys and carry a gym bag that suggests financial prudence.

By projecting an image of calculated minimalism, you’ll render yourself invisible to the financial radar of potential opportunists.

4. Pretend You’re in a Hurry

Master the art of strategic temporal manipulation. Arrive with calculated lateness, depart with surgical swiftness, and cultivate an aura of perpetual urgency.

When your enterprising uncle begins his rehearsed pitch about house roofing assistance, intercept with a rapid-fire response: “Ah, urgent errands call! My free bus departs tomorrow morning!”

Elevate your performance by peppering conversations with references to your mythical “incredibly tight schedule.” Village people may be persistent, but they fundamentally respect the hustle – even when that hustle is masterfully fabricated.

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5. Use Big English to Confuse Them

Village people thrive on direct, uncomplicated communication. Your mission: complicate their intelligence-gathering efforts through linguistic complexity.

When probing questions about financial status emerge, respond with deliberately opaque academic language.

Deliver statements like: “The macroeconomic dynamics of the global south and its inherent brouhaha have substantially recalibrated my liquidity flow.”

Watch with satisfaction as their eyes glaze over, defaulting to a resigned “Ah, it is well.” You’ve just weaponised incomprehensibility as your primary defence mechanism.

6. Never, Ever Sit in the Village Square

The village square represents a dangerous metaphysical zone where casual conversations can mysteriously transform into destiny-altering negotiations.

What appears to be an innocent catch-up might secretly be a spiritual transaction where your New Year’s resolutions could be unexpectedly renegotiated.

Implement a strict indoor containment strategy. If questioned about your absence, invoke the ultimate conversational force field: spiritual fasting. Few will dare challenge someone claiming divine communication.

7. Keep All Your Wins to Yourself

Seemingly innocent statements like “Ah, I heard you bought a car!” are not compliments – they’re sophisticated reconnaissance missions designed to map your financial terrain.

Respond with strategic ambiguity: smile politely and deflect with, “It’s not easy, oh. We thank God.”

Maintain absolute neutrality. Confirm nothing, deny nothing. Ambiguity isn’t just a shield; it’s your impenetrable force field against potential familial financial incursions.

8. Have an Emergency Code with Your Siblings

Your siblings are not just relatives; they’re your specialised attraction team in this high-stakes familial landscape. Develop a sophisticated, seemingly unharmful code phrase – perhaps “Is there still yam in the kitchen?” – that signals an urgent rescue mission.

The moment this code activates, initiate dramatic intervention. Swoop in with an urgent, elaborately constructed excuse: “Ah, we must urgently contact Uncle Richard!” Your coordinated performance will disrupt any ongoing familial intelligence-gathering operations.

The holidays represent a delicate ecosystem of family, festivity, and strategic survival. While complete avoidance of village people remains impossible, intelligent navigation ensures not just survival but potential enjoyment.

Pack wisely, deploy your slipperiest slippers, and treat this guide as your sacred tactical manual.